I do not think ill of you or wish you harm, but it has come to my attention that we are no longer compatible and so the time has come to change our relationship. It seems like just yesterday that we were roaming around the schoolyard with the kids who called you fat, and I can still remember the first time that gramma told us we'd be such a pretty girl if we just lost weight. We've been through a lot, you and me. But enough is enough.
Today I took measures towards amending our relationship. I signed up for a diet program that, to you, is going to seem drastic. But I know that after 29+ years of being the fat girl, the funny friend, the chubby one, it is time we move on. It is time we reconcile our relationship with food and our desire to be happy, no matter the price. I am sure our friends and family will be more than happy to lend support where we need it.
I do not ask that you become skinny, or even thin. I simply ask that you do not fight me when I tell you that you will not eat unless you need to, and you will not beg me for french fries. Unless we are PMS'ing, and then that is perfectly understandable. But know that we must fight together against the grease for then, and only then, will we be truly successful.
If we can form an alliance against unnecessary food and drink, we will persevere, and by our 30th birthday, we will be able to buy cute pants off the racks and maybe, just maybe, a button down top that doesn't gap at the bust. And if we maintain, before you know it, we will be having a goodbye party for "The Ladies" who will be sent to heaven by a skillful surgeon. Maybe someday we will even be able to start running without pain.
So with this, I ask that you cease and desist all further ridiculous behavior and join me in my quest for a better life. I will continue to provide you with nourishing and tasty food (in reasonable portions) and inspiration. We've carried this weight together, and we will unload it together.